Are you getting down on yourself for following the crowd? Do you find solace in continuous hours of television watching? Do you pine away after long lost lovers as you ponder the limited scope of your future? Here are some tips to help you get some energy back into your existence:
1. Exercise the 2nd Amendment: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” If I am interpreting this correctly, that means that I have the freedom to establish and arm a private organization of followers. It is entirely legal to build a trebuchet. I think it would be a good first step to assess the lumber costs of such a venture, but I'm sure it wouldn't break my budget for the coming year. A ballista would be a viable alternative, since space is an issue for me. A ballista small enough to fit inside my garage would still pack a punch!
2. Protest something. People object to things on a continuous basis, and expressing your disdain and opposition to a particular experience or viewpoint can be a valuable means of connecting with other like-minded individuals. Here is a short list of movements that would be happy to have your unwavering support:
Tax protesters: A rising percentage of American citizens believe that income taxes are constitutionally unjustified, and so refuse to pay taxes. One common ruse is to change your legal residence to Florida and then bury the paper trail under a heap of red tape.
Evolution: Do you want your teachers disparaging the information our lord has rightfully handed down through Moses and the prophets to our esteemed leader through our teachers to our children? Down, DOWN with evolution and all its followers! Donate to the Intelligent Design Network: Seeing Objectivity in Origins Science.
Feminism: If women want to be treated like men in the workplace, then if I ask them to get me a beer and they don't, they better expect to get slapped. One way to join the protest: get on Henry Makow's mailing list. He's “Exposing feminism and the New World Order.”
Homosexuality: Join the Catholic Church
I'm sure you can fill in the blanks, just choose a topic and protest it! You can even start your own group.
3. Dig a bunker. One thing you can say about a bunker is that it's definitely not useless. You can store things, hide from the police, conduct business meetings, conduct personal rendezvouses, survive a large-scale carpet bombing, write in peace, play loud music, stockpile cellar vegetables and wine, or a myriad of other things you could never do if you didn't have one. Trust me, you won't be sorry. Choose the best concrete you can afford if you want your bunker to last so you can pass it on to one of your children.
4. Hire a hypnotist. The range of possibility here is immense. You could easily pick up an irrational fear. For example, every time you see a stapler you start crying. That would get you some psychological vacation time from an office job. Or a fear of turning to the right would be an easy excuse if you live near a lot of one way streets and you are late to meet someone. Alternatively, trick yourself into breaking into a rousing verse of “Tiny Dancer” every time you see a green truck.
5. Take up amateur acupuncture. Who said that hands-on, grassroots learning doesn't apply to medicine? Some people don't even consider acupuncture to be a valid science, so why not see for yourself? You might try a local swingers club or a farmyard animal for your first extravaganzas. Make sure you record your experiments so that you may be best able to duplicate any effective results.
6. Issue a currency. Community based efforts to improve local connection and stimulate an internal economy are a cornerstone to every healthy civilization. Get to know your neighbors a little better by providing a way to stay in touch. Inflation should be tracked to your host country's dollar because no one outside of your pocket will have any use for the new currency. You can get together to vote on whose face should be on it, how much to print, etc.
7. Drive-By art: This one is tricky because it really requires preparation and balance. The preparation: create a unique and dignified piece of art, such as a phallus that separates into three easily movable parts. The balance: make it big enough to be noticed, but small enough so you can transport it with the average vehicle in the still of the night. Then simply place your sculpture on display in a prominent area. If you can reach at least one person with your artwork it will be worth it.
8. Start a major religion: Even with the plethora of options that one has for dampening his or her spirit by adherence to a specific unchanging set of beliefs, there is always room for one more cult. Imagine the history books: Reflecting on his early life, he stated “...I was born in a small town in [state name]. I figured, if Joseph Smith and L. Ron Hubbard did it, then why can't I do it too?” Besides huge monetary compensation you will gain the satisfaction of knowing that you have fooled a great many people.
9. Decorate with skulls. If you don't like the idea of rotting flesh in your home, you can either spray with febreeze or soak on a dilute bleach solution before putting chipmunk, dog, bull, or giraffe skulls from animals you have eaten all over your walls and furniture to brighten the place up! Never mind ancient superstition about bones- if there were any truth to that wouldn't you be cursed every time you swallow a sardine?
10. Secede from the Union. If you own a parcel of land then you are entitled to secede from the government that controls it. Be prepared for harsh censure and possible revocation of citizenship from your host country, but never fear. The longer you can hold out, avoid forceful mitigation, and engage in productive diplomacy with the enemy, the better off your eventual terms of surrender may be.